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Mon, Sep. 21st, 2009, 11:29 am
It's alright to be scared.

Today, I stand on the brink of the largest decision of my life so far. It has the potential to be larger then my choice to enlist, and later to re-enlist in the Navy. It has the potential to be something I refer to as the greatest choice of my life, or something I bitch about as the worse decision.

I don't mean those statements to appear that I have negative feelings to this, because I don't. I'm excited, and happy. I'm just speaking logically.

Right now I am on the verge of quivering with anticipation. My legs wont stop that annoying caffeine styled tick I get when I'm excited.

I haven't been this excited in a very long time.

It took us a very long time to admit our feelings, and then to succumb to them, and now to take the next step. No one can say either of us rushed into this decision. Alot of people I know were married and divorced in the amount of time it took us to get here.

I have prepared everything, and I hope she approves. Her approval means more to me then anyone else. Its going to be a good car ride, because I know the patience I have gained over the years will prevent me from being easily annoyed over minor things, and the self discipline I gained in my first years in the Navy will keep me from doing things to intentionally annoy her for amusement.

I don't know what made me write in here today, I guess I just wanted to document exactly what I am feeling so that I may look back on it and know that despite my logical fears of a negative outcome, I went into this with the passion and dedication of someone truly in love, (because I am).

I have seen alot of relationships fail in my time, and I have pinpointed the reasons why they failed. It is my plan to learn from those mistakes of others and insure I do not repeat them.

I love this woman more then I have loved anyone else, she has cared for me, and corrected me, and helped me so many times along the way. She, amazingly enough, stuck by me through my selfish years, and my growing years. No matter how much I hurt her, she stuck by me.

The pain I felt when I truly realized how much I forced her to endure still weighs heavily on me, but it has not pressured me into any decisions I dont feel are right. It has not forced me to be anything I didn't want to become. I am who I am, because this is who I wanted to be.

I am giddy, childishly so. I am excited to the point of an adrenaline overload. I am in awe of the challenges ahead. I am determined as the lion on the hunt. I am ready.

This decision feels so right, it feels like what must be done.

When I look back at this entry, I want to remind myself that Yes, you did think of every outcome Nathan. Yes, you are truly in love with this woman. And yes, you are ready to dive head first into this and give everything you have to offer for this relationship to blossom and bloom into something beautiful.

Good luck Nathan, may your relationship grow and be fruitful from this decision.